Lessons in Choosing Calm

On Thanksgiving Day, my parents took the older two kids out for a couple of hours so I could have some quiet. Finley was asleep when they left, and after I shut the door as they left, I found a quiet house. I knew I had some cleaning to do, a table to set, and some remaining cooking to do. Instead, I sat on the sofa. I spent a few minutes just breathing, in and out. Then I did some reading and praying. In the process of sitting calmly, I found myself thankful for being able to choose “calm in the calm.”

This is something I’ve been considering lately. Quiet is a choice. It’s not so much about “finding a quiet moment.” Quiet is there, and I have to choose it, and plan for it. In some cases, like last Thursday, I’ learning to choose calm when the house is quiet. In other instances, I have to plan for quiet.

We live in a society of constant stimulation. I often find this to be a distractor  to me, and to my ability to parent my kids. They live in a world with so much to see, hear, experience. Have you noticed how even children’s choirs ask kids to sing louder and louder? My kids think you have to BELT OUT the words of a song. They have a hard time sitting still. They want to be in motion and talking ALL THE TIME.

I long for the quiet moments. And I’m working on cultivating that discipline in the context of my family; not just for myself, but for the children, too. It takes creativity to get there. My attempt to mandate calmness (tell them to be quiet, etc.) just doesn’t work. So I’m looking for something different. Currently, “seeking quiet as a family” takes the form of advent celebration. I bought an advent wreath to put on our table. At dinner time, I designate someone to light the candle and dim the lights. Something about dimming the lights, reminding the children about “advent,” Jesus’ coming to us, changes the mood. We pray at the beginning of the meal that Jesus will be with us, and fill our hearts with His love, and that we will share it. Then as we eat we discuss our Jesse tree devotion. At the end of the meal, the other child is responsible for selecting a Christmas hymn for us to sing together and extinguishing the candle. I always hope for more Jesus at Christmas, less consumerism, and a heart that embraces the humble birth of our Lord. This seizing of calm, planning for quiet, is helping me experience that.

A few days ago, as I was thinking about my growth in being able to “choose calm in the calm,” I was reflecting on the next steps towards a fuller embracing of calm. At first I thought “calm in the chaos” was next. First, master calm in the calm, then move to calm in the chaos. But after some thought, I realized that I generally do choose calm in the chaos, at least on the surface. Sure, there are times when I lose my temper (and moreso in times like this year of deployment than under other circumstances). But I am used to operating in chaos. I am pretty comfortable with having a lot going on. Actually, I prefer lots going on and find it hard to be satisfied with less activity. I remember feeling somewhat depressed in summers as a child; without the busy pressure of school to keep me occupied, I didn’t know what to do. So, for me “Calm in the chaos” was Calm 101, and “Calm in the calm” is Calm 102. The next item, then, on my “syllabus” is “Cheerful in the chaos.” Not just calm. Not mechanical. Alive and cheerful, even when surrounded by whatever the chaos may be. Yet still looking for moments to slow down and enjoy life at a slower pace.

I’ve had several moments this weekend to practice this. As a side note, I’ve been feeling quite burned out. We hit 11 months of deployment this week, and it’s wearing on me. So, I decided yesterday to take a break from cooking. I took the kids out for lunch AND dinner! We picked up lunch to bring to a park (and had to return to the drive through window TWICE because items were missing from the bag!) Then, as soon as we got to the park and had the food on the table, Jamey wet his pants. This never happens, and I did not have a change of clothes. So, we ate and left. I promised to take them back after Fin’s nap. Through all of this “chaos,” I found myself calm. God’s blessing to me in the context of crazy circumstances in the past few days (alongside little sleep) has been a spirit of cooperation between the kids.

I’ve realized I do much better with circumstantial chaos than I do with relational chaos. Relational chaos makes me feel much more angry and out of control. That is, a messed up drive through order is not likely to irritate me. Sibling rivalry, breaches of communication, words that hurt, etc. are much more likely to get to me. I digress.

Tonight we were supposed to attend our Community Group Christmas party. About 10 minutes prior to time to leave, I decided it was unwise to take the kids back out. One child (a non-napper) woke up at 4:45 (!!!) this morning and was exhausted. And the other was indicating she had reached the end of her daily rope. So, I called a friend to see if she would pick up our contribution to the party food, and we planned a calm, home party (dinner with the advent wreath, puzzles, UNO, and book reading). I did this because I knew that I had not been very calm today, and I sensed that the kids needed me to be calm with them in order to settle them down. So, here is an example of planning for calm.

There is something about this phase of deployment (nearing the end) that is causing me to think about a lot of things. I know this has been a long post, but writing it has helped me think through my reactions to life and my need to both plan for and learn to choose calm.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

Today

Honestly, today part of me is wishing for a different place. I am tiring of this phase. I am looking forward to fewer toys, more time out of the house, less people needing and wanting me and only me. And of course, a husband at home.

At the same time, I’m loving the hugs little Fin gives me. I am loving that he claps whenever I sing. I am laughing at the crazy outfits Jamey is wearing. (Today he has constructed a fireman’s air tank out of some sun glasses, a bike helmet, and a leftover wrapper from  some Trader Joe’s ginger snaps.) I’m thankful for the maturity I see forming in Ginna, and am thankful for the ways I see Jamey and her learning to be good siblings together. And I’m baking. I’m filling our home with scents of the season, cranberry orange bread for breakfast, banana bread and broccoli soup for dinner.

So, there’s this dichotomy. Part of me wants to run away fast. I’m weary. Ten and a half months of deployment. Two sick kids times too many days, plus rain. Staying home a lot. Not being able to go to church. It’s approaching "too much."

But I focus on breathing. In and out. And waiting for the calm, choosing it when it can be chosen. As in, the older two escape to their room to play Legos, even for a few minutes, and I snatch up the moment to read, write, pray, close my eyes, stare at the wall. Whatever strikes me.

So, I’ll not wish time away (though I don’t chide myself too stridently for looking forward to aspects of different phases and to times of greater rest…as long as it doesn’t keep me from embracing NOW and being thankful for it).

There is never a dull moment. But there can be some calm in the chaos. And when I get a chance, I’m learning to choose it.

Well, here they come….

No Guesswork

Well, there are certain advantages to having a daughter with a flare for the dramatic. There is relatively no guesswork involved in determining her feelings on any given matter. Take, for instance, this morning. We were busy preparing for a birthday celebration for our littlest guy. She awakened into a frenzy of excitement (which means lots of movement and lots of noise). It was getting to me. As I was trying to finish cleaning up and finish cooking, she was running about moving things around. And I felt the heat rising.

Then there were a couple of things that set me off (regarding voice tones and spills). I raised my voice and joined in on the not so attractive tone of voice. I asked her (loudly and with rudeness) to go to her room. She looked at me in tears and said, "You're breaking my heart talking to me like that." I picked her up, put her on the counter, and apologized for using a rude voice. I told her I was throwing mine out the window, and asked her to work with me to get ready. I told her I needed her to calm down some, and to choose a kind voice, too. I then decided to get a bit more creative with channeling her energy into something more productive.

It was a whirlwind of a day, full of blessing and craziness. I am thankful for the mirror today that helped me stop in my tracks and realize my own hypocrisy.

Identity + Design

I've recently been mulling through some thoughts on blending a full embracing of my identity in Christ with my design as God's creation. Here is a summary.

Over the course of the past year, I've done a lot of thinking about how my IDENTITY as a Christ-follower should inform certain aspects of life (most often how I react to my own perceptions of myself). You see, in the early days of the deployment, I found myself feeling a certain vulnerability, and found insecurities coming out. This could manifest by rehashing a conversation over and over at night, wondering if I had said the right thing. It could come out in the form of feeling like I couldn't do the job (parent three kids under five well and have a husband in a war zone), and being upset at myself for the ways that I failed (losing my temper, parenting mechanically, etc.). As time passed, I came to categorize all of these thoughts under the heading "taking myself too seriously." And I felt God challenging me to somehow depend less on my strength, to rest more, to be comfortable producing less, and to focus more on His good character, strength, and His work on my behalf.  (Side note: I remember one time over the summer taking the kids to an event at their school on a weekend, and sitting under a tent for a couple of hours doing nothing but holding a sleeping baby and watching the other two run in the water, and feeling very happy. I knew then that I had come a long way in growing more comfortable with less "product" to show for my time!)

So, I've realized two things in this quest for a greater understanding of my "identity." First, I realized that although I do have a particular kind of strength (the kind that allows a person to plow through difficult times relatively unphased, to lower my head and get the job done), I'm not so good at 1) not becoming mechanical in keeping all the balls in the air (think Michelle Pfeiffer in One Fine Day!), and 2) letting other people carry parts of my load for me. It's safe to say I've had some practice doing the latter in the past months. And regarding the former, well, working to stay "alive" and able to feel amidst craziness has been one of the lessons of the year. (And that's worthy of a post itself!)

Second, I have found going to my identity in Christ (that I am fully loved and accepted and can neither add to nor take away from Christ's finished work, which He has put on me) regularly, and in particular moments allows me to handle many "life snags" very differently. Maybe the next post will be an example of that....but in general, it works like this. There are moments when I begin to feel a "rising" need to grasp control (and this can be something as simple as a baby and a three year old waking up simultaneously at 4am and hoping by some means that one parent can get them both back to sleep!). There are moments when I listen to my internal dialogue, and I find myself replaying a scenario over and over. And there are moments when, in the midst of conversation (often with Stan or the kids), I find myself angry. If I can quickly remind myself of who God is, and who He says I am, the heart, thoughts, and words that follow will be very different than if I don't. There is nothing new here in regards to knowledge; rather, it's the application of the knowledge that has brought new life here.

Two weeks ago, our church had a retreat. The pastor spent the weekend talking about life lessons, and what he would do differently had he known 20 years ago (when he first pastored a church) what he knows now. One of the key ideas he embraced was a full understanding of our DESIGN as God's creation. Now, as the wife of an architect, all things DESIGN strike a chord with me. Many things have changed since I met Stan (e.g., if I watch HGTV you might hear me say things like, "Who would design a ceiling like that for a bedroom? What in the world were they thinking with the tile choice in that bathroom?" Who would buy that?"). I digress. The pastor talked about a design to flourish, that God designed us to flourish spiritually (having communion with God), socially (enjoying fulfilling relationships with others), psychologically (thinking in a healthy way), and physically (in relation to the created world). Thus, a full embracing of the Gospel must promote dealing with the ways the fall affects us in each of these spheres of life. And furthermore, our living a life that embraces our DESIGN will give to the world a taste of what God intended life on earth to be like, and a foreshadowing of the HOPE of what we will one day experience.

So, I'm not yet finished in this "blending" of mine. But I am very happy to think about God's original DESIGN for me, and how it informs my IDENTITY. And I have realized lately that despite all the craziness of the past 10 months, I feel very full. Not just having "full hands" (as people often comment to me when in public!). But rather, I feel a lot of joy. I'm happy right here, right now. And I feel really alive, in the midst of craziness! Thanks be to a good and strong God.

A Parenting Philosophy in the Works

Sometimes I just want a little confirmation that I’m making good choices in parenting. It didn’t take me long into the adventure to realize there is no “one size fits all” method. It also didn’t take me long to realize that as soon as I thought I had figured out what works for a particular issue, things would change and I’d have to start looking again.

For the first several years of my children’s lives, I felt that I was “pouring in” and was not really sure what was sticking.  I had a friend whose children were a few years ahead of mine who repeatedly encouraged me that I would begin to see evidence of those seeds sinking in and growing, particularly around the age of 5. That did prove to be true. However, I still find myself questioning certain things, most often related to discipline. When I come across others who parent differently, I often compare my strategies and wonder if I’m making mistakes. (There I go again, making comparisons…)

Last week I came across an article on discipline. It made me think a lot. The article expressed many views that I also have: good parenting balances law and grace, and parents are called to calmly hold up boundaries and enforce consequences (rather than nagging, threatening, or using anger to get results). However, I got a sense from the article that the author would handle moment-to-moment struggles with young children differently than I do (and that’s an entirely different post). I found myself asking, am I missing the boat here?

So, I thought through it for a while. I corresponded with a friend. And I did some more reading, while continuing to pray for help in figuring out how to parent these children, the ones God has given to me.

And this time, rather than continuing to question and compare, I found something different. By “rubbing up against” a potentially different method, I found that the strength of my belief in my own ways of teaching my children grew!! I found that I can learn from what someone else does while also having strengthened resolve in seeking God’s particular wisdom for parenting my children. Whew, what a relief.

This experience is helping me come up with a philosophy of sorts, a framework for parenting that takes into consideration my inclinations and my children’s personalities, what they respond to, what gets them excited.

Here is my list today.

1.       Affirm regularly the strengths of each child.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” 1 Thess. 5:11a

2.       Maintain a training stance, and apply this differently than you would if only forcing submission. Parent to the heart. This might be applied by the following:

a.       Allow chances to try again, practicing the right way. Focus on what TO do rather than just correcting. Remember, there were 10 plagues (God didn’t start with the harshest).

b.     Enourage good words (and set the example). Ask questions to get at the heart behind the words.

c.       Look for ways that involve your children in solving problems, rather than solving problems for them.

d.      Teach responsibility.

e.   Think about the ways that the Lord deals with your sin. He uses kindness to lead me to Himself.

f.    And many others!

“Train up a child in the way he should go.” Proverbs 22:6

“Teach me to do your will, Lord. For you are my God. May your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 143:10

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'” Matthew 15:18

3.       Seek ways to show love (soft touch, kind words, disciplining without condemnation) to the child whose heart is not obedient.

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?” Romans 2:4

4.      Don't be afraid to admit wrong. Practice repentance in front of your children, even if it is just correcting your own cranky voice.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

5.   Manage your expectations, and know trouble will come. Don’t be surprised by sin in your children (or your own heart). Expect to need God.

“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12

6.   Maintain a cheerful heart (and not just when circumstances are pleasing).

“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but low spirits sap one’s strength.” Proverbs 17:22

7.       Put on love (holiness), and walk by the Spirit.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians4:22-24

“Walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Galatians 5:15

8.   In the morning (and throughout the day) ask for wisdom and grace, looking for God’s provision. In the evening, rest in Him, and rely on Him to water seeds, bring the harvest, and cover your mistakes. Trust His faithful character.

“Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.” 2 Cor. 9:10

So, that's my list today. Tomorrow it will probably be amended.

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog. I decided to start a new one, considering that I use my other blog both to share photos and stories about my kids and to write about things I'm pondering in my head. So, I leave the other for kid photos and stories, and this one is for ponderings.

I've described in my profile the intent of this blog. Basically, I want a space to share thoughts about loving creatively. That may sound strange. I'm not a very "flowery" or emotional person. creativeLOVE may come across that way. But I can't think of a better way of describing what I am thinking.

First, there is our Creator God. The ONE who defines, epitomizes, reflects truest love is a Creator. He makes Himself known through His created order, and He delights in beauty. What's more, He makes us beautiful, and sets His delight on us. Thus, creative and love, part 1.

Second, at a certain point in college, I found myself with a desire to marry a "creative" man. I'm not quite sure where it came from, because in my twenty something years of life I had spent a lot of time with math/science types and very limited time with artistic types. But something "woke up." It didn't take me but a date or two with Stan to figure out he had that bent. I remember noticing something very different about how he processed dialogue, and how he took notice of particularities in me that others would pass by. And so, not many months later, I married the man who got down on the floor in Goldsmith's in Memphis arranging place settings of everyday china...alternating squares and circles....and who had more of an opinion about silver patterns than I did.

And then, Ginna was born. I am not sure two people 28 years apart and of opposite gender could be more alike. She is a young, female Stan. Very regularly each sheds light for me to help me understand the other.

Lately, I have been impressed with the need for specific, and even creative expressions of love. I am not just talking about doing creative things for my family. I am talking about a thought process, one that seeks what is most meaningful and loving in particular scenarios. This comes into play time and again with the kids: in how I discipline, talk to them, pray for them, and think about and talk about them. And it comes into play in marriage: how we support one another, show love, and even handle disagreements.

So, that's creativeLOVE..... welcome!