Today

Honestly, today part of me is wishing for a different place. I am tiring of this phase. I am looking forward to fewer toys, more time out of the house, less people needing and wanting me and only me. And of course, a husband at home.

At the same time, I’m loving the hugs little Fin gives me. I am loving that he claps whenever I sing. I am laughing at the crazy outfits Jamey is wearing. (Today he has constructed a fireman’s air tank out of some sun glasses, a bike helmet, and a leftover wrapper from  some Trader Joe’s ginger snaps.) I’m thankful for the maturity I see forming in Ginna, and am thankful for the ways I see Jamey and her learning to be good siblings together. And I’m baking. I’m filling our home with scents of the season, cranberry orange bread for breakfast, banana bread and broccoli soup for dinner.

So, there’s this dichotomy. Part of me wants to run away fast. I’m weary. Ten and a half months of deployment. Two sick kids times too many days, plus rain. Staying home a lot. Not being able to go to church. It’s approaching "too much."

But I focus on breathing. In and out. And waiting for the calm, choosing it when it can be chosen. As in, the older two escape to their room to play Legos, even for a few minutes, and I snatch up the moment to read, write, pray, close my eyes, stare at the wall. Whatever strikes me.

So, I’ll not wish time away (though I don’t chide myself too stridently for looking forward to aspects of different phases and to times of greater rest…as long as it doesn’t keep me from embracing NOW and being thankful for it).

There is never a dull moment. But there can be some calm in the chaos. And when I get a chance, I’m learning to choose it.

Well, here they come….