Identity + Design

I've recently been mulling through some thoughts on blending a full embracing of my identity in Christ with my design as God's creation. Here is a summary.

Over the course of the past year, I've done a lot of thinking about how my IDENTITY as a Christ-follower should inform certain aspects of life (most often how I react to my own perceptions of myself). You see, in the early days of the deployment, I found myself feeling a certain vulnerability, and found insecurities coming out. This could manifest by rehashing a conversation over and over at night, wondering if I had said the right thing. It could come out in the form of feeling like I couldn't do the job (parent three kids under five well and have a husband in a war zone), and being upset at myself for the ways that I failed (losing my temper, parenting mechanically, etc.). As time passed, I came to categorize all of these thoughts under the heading "taking myself too seriously." And I felt God challenging me to somehow depend less on my strength, to rest more, to be comfortable producing less, and to focus more on His good character, strength, and His work on my behalf.  (Side note: I remember one time over the summer taking the kids to an event at their school on a weekend, and sitting under a tent for a couple of hours doing nothing but holding a sleeping baby and watching the other two run in the water, and feeling very happy. I knew then that I had come a long way in growing more comfortable with less "product" to show for my time!)

So, I've realized two things in this quest for a greater understanding of my "identity." First, I realized that although I do have a particular kind of strength (the kind that allows a person to plow through difficult times relatively unphased, to lower my head and get the job done), I'm not so good at 1) not becoming mechanical in keeping all the balls in the air (think Michelle Pfeiffer in One Fine Day!), and 2) letting other people carry parts of my load for me. It's safe to say I've had some practice doing the latter in the past months. And regarding the former, well, working to stay "alive" and able to feel amidst craziness has been one of the lessons of the year. (And that's worthy of a post itself!)

Second, I have found going to my identity in Christ (that I am fully loved and accepted and can neither add to nor take away from Christ's finished work, which He has put on me) regularly, and in particular moments allows me to handle many "life snags" very differently. Maybe the next post will be an example of that....but in general, it works like this. There are moments when I begin to feel a "rising" need to grasp control (and this can be something as simple as a baby and a three year old waking up simultaneously at 4am and hoping by some means that one parent can get them both back to sleep!). There are moments when I listen to my internal dialogue, and I find myself replaying a scenario over and over. And there are moments when, in the midst of conversation (often with Stan or the kids), I find myself angry. If I can quickly remind myself of who God is, and who He says I am, the heart, thoughts, and words that follow will be very different than if I don't. There is nothing new here in regards to knowledge; rather, it's the application of the knowledge that has brought new life here.

Two weeks ago, our church had a retreat. The pastor spent the weekend talking about life lessons, and what he would do differently had he known 20 years ago (when he first pastored a church) what he knows now. One of the key ideas he embraced was a full understanding of our DESIGN as God's creation. Now, as the wife of an architect, all things DESIGN strike a chord with me. Many things have changed since I met Stan (e.g., if I watch HGTV you might hear me say things like, "Who would design a ceiling like that for a bedroom? What in the world were they thinking with the tile choice in that bathroom?" Who would buy that?"). I digress. The pastor talked about a design to flourish, that God designed us to flourish spiritually (having communion with God), socially (enjoying fulfilling relationships with others), psychologically (thinking in a healthy way), and physically (in relation to the created world). Thus, a full embracing of the Gospel must promote dealing with the ways the fall affects us in each of these spheres of life. And furthermore, our living a life that embraces our DESIGN will give to the world a taste of what God intended life on earth to be like, and a foreshadowing of the HOPE of what we will one day experience.

So, I'm not yet finished in this "blending" of mine. But I am very happy to think about God's original DESIGN for me, and how it informs my IDENTITY. And I have realized lately that despite all the craziness of the past 10 months, I feel very full. Not just having "full hands" (as people often comment to me when in public!). But rather, I feel a lot of joy. I'm happy right here, right now. And I feel really alive, in the midst of craziness! Thanks be to a good and strong God.